
What’s the attachment?
Before moving to England, my colleagues and I, as part of our training, not only studied Bowlby’s work extensively but also underwent a deep analysis of our own attachment styles. It was clear to us, as students and as emerging therapists, that attachment provides a fundamental framework for understanding the manoeuvres of our subconscious. Our attachment patterns shape how we perceive and relate to others (for clients, this includes the therapist) and to the world itself. As trainee therapists, we were often overwhelmed by the analytic work required to reconstruct and heal these attachments. Yet, it was a crucial process, helping us uncover and understand not only our own relational issues but also those brought to therapy by our clients.
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One day, during my early student years, I had the privilege of translating from English to Italian for a workshop led by a very renowned American professor. He was a leading expert in cognitive-behavioural therapy and a past president of the Association for Behavioural and Cognitive Therapies. He has since passed away, and I won’t reveal his name, as I believe there is nothing for him to gain from this story.
During the workshop, a member of the audience asked how he incorporated attachment theory into his work. His response shocked us all: “What’s attachment theory?” At first, we thought he was joking. I even double-checked my translation of the question, just in case I had misunderstood. But no, he wasn’t joking. Eventually, he acknowledged recognising Bowlby’s name but admitted that he knew little about the theory.
As I write this now, I can’t help but reflect on that moment. If such a renowned professor was unfamiliar with attachment theory, how many others might also be unaware? And yet, it’s something everyone should know about, our own programming, our early patterns, the very foundations of how we connect with others.
Our own programming (some) and Winnie-the-Pooh
Our early childhood relationships with our parents shape the way we connect with others throughout our lives. Attachment theory identifies four main patterns: secure, dismissing, preoccupied, and fearful. These patterns run deep, often influencing our relationships in ways we barely notice. Surely, understanding this should be fundamental not just for therapists but for anyone seeking to navigate the complexities of human connection. To describe the attachment styles, I decided to conduct a thought experiment. I ask forgiveness from the attachment experts who have studied these patterns professionally, as my intent here is not academic precision but to help those unfamiliar with the theory gain a clearer understanding. To do this, I’ve turned to the beloved characters of Winnie-the-Pooh.
You may already know a little about A.A. Milne, the creator of Winnie-the-Pooh. Milne was a British author who drew inspiration for these characters from his son, Christopher Robin, and his son’s stuffed animals. But what adds depth to Milne’s work is the context of his life. Milne was a veteran of World War I, a traumatic experience that profoundly shaped his worldview. Some scholars suggest that his writing, particularly Winnie-the-Pooh, reflects a longing for simplicity, connection, and comfort, a kind of psychological balm for the chaotic world he had endured.
This makes Winnie-the-Pooh an unexpectedly fitting framework for exploring attachment styles. The characters, though whimsical and childlike, embody rich and relatable emotional patterns that align with the four main styles of attachment.
Secure attachment: Christopher Robin
Secure attachment represents the quiet yet profound gift of consistent love and support. Those with secure attachment often grew up in environments where their parents, even amidst busy lives, made time to listen, care, and provide emotional warmth. This foundation of being seen, heard, and valued gives them the confidence to trust others, seek help when needed, and handle life’s challenges with resilience.
Christopher Robin embodies secure attachment beautifully, though I should clarify that in this thought experiment, I’m referring to how Christopher Robin behaves in the books, not his real-life relationship with his father. In reality, A.A. Milne’s son, the real Christopher Robin, reportedly harboured deep resentment toward his father, a relationship often described as strained and hostile. Despite this, the fictional Christopher Robin, as crafted by Milne, remains a symbol of calm, steady confidence and dependable connection, qualities that align well with secure attachment. He moves through life with calm assurance, grounded in the trust that he is connected to others in a way that sustains him. When Pooh gets stuck in Rabbit’s burrow, Christopher doesn’t try to solve it all alone. He gathers his friends, valuing their ideas and efforts. This is the hallmark of secure attachment, it’s not about doing everything yourself but about trusting the web of relationships around you.
And Christopher isn’t just a giver of support; he knows how to ask for it too. In The House at Pooh Corner, he shares his fears about growing up and leaving the Hundred Acre Wood. He doesn’t hide his vulnerability. Instead, he trusts that Pooh will understand, that their bond is strong enough to hold both joy and uncertainty.
This is the essence of secure attachment: it is the courage to rely on others without fear of rejection, to lead with confidence and follow with trust. It’s not about being invincible but about knowing that love, given and received, is the anchor that steadies you through life’s storms. Secure attachment isn’t a fortress; it’s a home; open, warm, and full of connection.
Child Dog Puddle
If you search for “Child Dog Puddle” on YouTube or enter the following link: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xa54Xc6AG44, you’ll find a charming video featuring a child named Little Arthur strolling through the woods with his 12-year-old Shar Pei, Watson.
During their walk, Arthur takes a break to play in a puddle. He splashes through the water, jumps around, explores the surroundings, and repeatedly returns to Watson before heading back to splash some more.
This delightful video encapsulates the dynamic between exploration and connection, with Arthur’s playful curiosity and Watson’s calm, supportive presence creating a harmonious interaction.
Arthur, symbolically representing the inner child, is carefree, curious, and fully immersed in his exploration. Meanwhile, Watson stays still and doesn’t interfere. The dog seems relaxed yet attentive, occasionally turning his head to check on Arthur when he ventures further away. Watson acts as a safe base, providing quiet reassurance.
Arthur’s behaviour reflects the hallmarks of secure attachment: confidence and a willingness to explore, combined with the knowledge that a secure connection is always there when needed. Watson, in turn, embodies the qualities of a secure base. His stillness, relaxed posture, and attentive awareness demonstrate trust and a protective instinct reminiscent of caregiving behaviours in attachment relationships.
Importantly, Watson does not disrupt Arthur’s independence or exploration. Instead, he offers a calm and supportive presence, allowing Arthur the freedom to engage with his environment while maintaining a sense of safety. This delicate balance — providing space yet remaining connected — is the essence of secure attachment. Watson’s behaviour mirrors the therapeutic benefits of unconditional love and companionship, offering Arthur both stability and freedom.
Hungarian psychoanalyst Ferenczi took this idea even further, suggesting that healing in therapy isn’t solely facilitated by the therapeutic relationship itself but also by the client’s ability to feel the love and authenticity of their therapist. Ferenczi believed that a patient’s awareness of their therapist’s personal qualities and genuine care is essential for healing.
Personally, I agree. Therapy, at its core, is about feelings — and the primary emotion is love. If neither the client nor the therapist has love in their lives or remains disconnected from it, then their understanding of themselves, life, nature, and the universe will inevitably be limited.
This is my subjective way of saying that therapy is more than a “state of mind”; it is, in fact, a “state of being.” With this perspective, I hope you can forgive the simplicity of my example. Watson doesn’t speak, but his silence, behaviour, and attitude reveal profound processes that words can only attempt to describe.
Preoccupied attachment: Tigger
Preoccupied attachment often originates in early environments where love and attention were inconsistent; sometimes offered, other times withheld or conditional. This creates a lingering uncertainty in relationships, leaving individuals seeking constant reassurance that they are valued and their needs will be met. As adults, they become hyper-attuned to external validation, engaging in behaviours designed to secure approval or avoid the risk of rejection, judgment, or even punishment.
Consider the example of a client who shared, “All the time I see a church, I genuflect, and I don’t even believe in God!” When viewed through the lens of preoccupied attachment, this behaviour reflects a deeply ingrained pattern of compliance. The act of genuflecting isn’t about faith; it’s about aligning with what feels “expected” or “safe.” Likely shaped in a childhood where love or approval was tied to obedience or conformity, the genuflection becomes a reflex to avoid potential judgment or punishment, even if it no longer aligns with their personal beliefs.
This need to meet perceived external expectations highlights the underlying anxiety of preoccupied attachment. For this client, genuflecting is a way to maintain a sense of safety by adhering to familiar rules, ensuring they don’t risk rejection or disapproval. The behaviour is not about belief but about managing the fear of falling short of what others might expect.
Contrast this with fearful attachment (which we will discuss later), where similar behaviours may stem from internal conflict rather than a need for external validation. In the case of fearful attachment, genuflecting might represent an internal struggle between seeking the comfort of structure or ritual and fearing potential repercussions — such as judgment, rejection, or punishment — for non-conformity. This act reflects anxiety about the consequences of breaking the ‘rules’ rather than a compulsive desire for reassurance.
In both cases, the behaviour reveals how early experiences shape not just our relationships with others but also our interactions with institutions, rituals, and social expectations. For this attachment style, I have chosen Tigger. Tigger bounces around, craving attention and validation. He’s lovable but exhausting because he constantly needs reassurance that he’s valued and noticed. His energy and charm often mask his underlying anxiety — a worry that if he stops bouncing, he might go unnoticed or unloved. This relentless pursuit of attention reflects the hallmark of preoccupied attachment: a fear of not being enough or of being forgotten.
Fearful Attachment: Eeyore
Fearful attachment is a delicate paradox; a yearning for closeness, inclusiveness, and the safety of being seen, heard, and loved, yet being equally terrified of what that closeness might bring. This attachment style is often shaped by chaotic early relationships, where caregivers were consumed by their own trauma or struggles. Their responses to the child’s needs might have been unpredictable, sometimes warm, other times dismissive or aggressive, creating an emotional landscape that was neither stable nor safe.
As adults, people with fearful attachment walk a fine line between longing for connection and retreating from it. They crave the reassurance of belonging but fear the vulnerability that comes with it. They might push others away or assume rejection is inevitable, even while hoping to be included and valued.
Take Eeyore, the ever-gloomy donkey, as an example. He wants to feel close to his friends, to be part of the group, but he assumes that this connection is fleeting. He’ll accept a hug but braces for the moment you’ll let go, convinced it won’t last. His gloomy outlook is not just pessimism — it’s a form of self-protection, a way of shielding himself from the disappointment of being left out or overlooked.
I once worked with a client who told me, “I want to be invited to say so.” That one sentence encapsulates the heart of fearful attachment. It reflects a longing to feel included and validated — to be given permission to step into a space where they can be heard. But it also highlights their deep hesitation, born out of a fear that reaching out on their own might result in rejection or exclusion.
At the same time, this desire to “be invited” is deeply complex because, for someone with fearful attachment, closeness itself can feel threatening. It’s as though they’re saying, “Please invite me so I can feel loved — but also, please don’t, because I’m not sure I know how to handle being loved.”
Many of us struggle to love ourselves, and when that foundation is missing, it becomes even harder to accept love from others. The idea of being genuinely cared for can feel so foreign that trusting it — or even believing it’s real — becomes a challenge. Without a sense of safety or preparation, receiving love can feel overwhelming, like stepping into uncharted territory where the risks seem to outweigh the rewards.
Dismissing attachment: Rabbit
Dismissing attachment often develops in environments where emotional needs were left unmet. This might happen when parents were emotionally unavailable, whether due to working long hours, dealing with their own struggles, or simply not recognising the importance of providing consistent emotional support. Children in these situations learn to rely on themselves and suppress their needs for closeness, as seeking it often led to disappointment.
As adults, individuals with dismissing attachment prefer independence and emotional distance. They avoid relying on others, not because they don’t want connection, but because they’ve learned not to trust that others will meet their emotional needs. When things become too emotionally intense, they disengage, retreating to the safety of self-reliance.
For this attachment style, I’ve chosen Rabbit as an example. Rabbit is emotionally distant and hyper-focused on tasks like managing his garden. He keeps himself busy, avoids “messy” emotions, and rarely allows himself to depend on others. Rabbit’s high walls are a form of self-protection, built from the belief that it’s safer to handle things alone than risk the vulnerability of relying on others.
Dismissing attachment isn’t about a lack of feelings; it’s about a deep-seated fear that sharing those feelings will lead to rejection or unmet needs. Like Rabbit, individuals with this attachment style maintain control by keeping their emotions, and often, others at arm’s length. It’s a way of saying, “I don’t need anyone,” when deep down, they may still long for connection but feel it’s safer not to hope for it
Reminder for the reader: Attachment patterns aren’t set in stone; they can evolve with experiences and growth.

I can remember it well; there was a time at university when professors and lecturers would bring their real-life experience to young students like me. I lived through the transition of these classes, where professors would directly share their experiences with patients. At that time, everyone used the term ‘patient’ rather than ‘client’, and this was before the invention of slides. Then the slides came along, which might be fine for other fields, but for psychology, even as a young student, I wondered whether I could have just stayed at home or in a library and learned directly from the source — the book — rather than from a representation of it in slides. In those days, caught between firsthand experience and spontaneity, and the mechanical reliance on slides, I was employed by the University of Palermo in Italy. As part of my administrative role, I was co-responsible for organising an international conference. It was at this event that I met Daniel Stern, a renowned American psychoanalyst and developmental psychologist, best known for his work on infant development and his influential theories on the formation of the self. I was just a graduate, there to support the conference with practical aspects, so I couldn’t focus on everything he was saying. Later on, I heard he needed a taxi to return to the US.
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My boss, in a gesture of generosity but also as an extension of her ego, suggested we drive him and his wife to the airport. Although I knew this wasn’t part of my very underpaid and exploited job description, I promptly seized the opportunity. I was fascinated by his research and his presentation. The drive to the airport wasn’t what I had anticipated; instead of gaining deeper insights into his life, thoughts, or research, we simply enjoyed a casual conversation. They were a lovely couple, sharing how much they loved Italy, especially Sicily, and even trying to impress me with a few sentences in Italian. We didn’t end up discussing his presentation, but he did recommend I read A Felicitous Meeting of Attachment and Relational Psychotherapy.
I have since summarised some of the most salient aspects, which also ties into one of the longest close psychological follow-up studies of an animal in the literature (Original paper: ‘On the Evolution of Attachment-Disordered Behaviour’ by Hedge Fisher-Mamblona, 2000). At a certain point, one of his patients, Anna, asked him, ‘Can I be a good mother?’ He replied, ‘Can I tell you a story? Can you listen to it now?’ She nodded, and I proceeded to tell her the following story:
I would tell Feli’s story like this:
Feli was born into an environment where the basic needs for attachment were denied from the very beginning. She hatched in isolation, completely cut off from any living being, not even another goose or a human to bond with. From the start, she was a subject of scientific curiosity, but what really matters here is the impact of that isolation. You see, for any creature, especially in its early stages, connection is crucial. In Feli’s case, her world was limited to mechanical feeding and the sound of a thermostat clicking, the only stimulus she had. When she heard that sound, she would run towards it, seeking something familiar, but then fear would take over, and she’d run away. Torn between the instinct to connect and the fear that came from not knowing how to, Feli developed a deep pattern of conflicted attachment.
As Feli missed the critical window for imprinting — the moment when geese naturally attach to their mothers — she was left without the innate capacity to form normal bonds. When she was finally released among other geese, it became clear how deeply that early isolation had affected her. She couldn’t relate to the other geese, who had all imprinted on their mothers and were comfortable in their relationships. Feli stayed on the edge of the flock, unsure of how to interact, not knowing how to be part of the group. She became a misfit, always on the periphery. Her aggression was misplaced — when another goose approached, she reacted as if it were a predator, unable to differentiate between a threat and a peer. Feli’s confusion, her inability to connect in the way she should have, was a direct result of that early deprivation.
As she grew older, pieces of normal goose behaviour started to emerge, but they were fragmented. She tried to build nests, she responded to male courting, but when it came time to fully engage in these social tasks, her old pattern of confusion kicked in. She’d wag her head, a repetitive, anxious behaviour, and run away. When given goose eggs to hatch, she instinctively sat on them, but not long enough — again, her fragmented capacity for care showed. The goslings never had a chance.
But then, something changed. Feli was given duck eggs. Ducklings, you see, are far less demanding than goslings. They don’t need as much from their mothers, and this difference mattered. The ducklings hatched, and for the first time, Feli didn’t run away completely. She didn’t nurture them fully, but she allowed them to exist alongside her. The turning point came during a storm, when the ducklings, terrified, sought her warmth and protection. For the first time, she let them under her wing. That night, she allowed herself to provide the comfort they needed, and in the morning, she followed them to the water. In a way, this reversed the normal imprinting process. The ducklings led, and Feli followed.
This moment marks a significant shift. Feli began to heal, albeit slowly and incompletely. The damage from her early trauma wasn’t erased, but in those small moments, she found a way to connect. She continued to live on the edge of the flock, but slightly more harmoniously. Then, an outsider goose arrived. Like Feli, he didn’t fit in perfectly, but together they found companionship. They formed a bond, and for a time, Feli experienced what had been so difficult for her: attachment.
But trauma leaves deep wounds, and Feli’s story doesn’t end on a perfectly happy note. Her mate was shot, and Feli, in her grief, sank into a depression. The loss was too great for her to bear. She had finally learned to connect, but when that connection was severed, it brought back all the pain of her early isolation. Not long after, she died.
I would now like to offer my interpretation of Feli’s story, particularly focusing on the concept of trauma in relation to attachment. Additionally, I’d like to revisit the analogy I presented in the article ‘Are therapists aware of their own attachment styles? #3.’ In that analogy, I describe attachment style as being like WiFi:
Secure is stable, anxious is always checking the connection, avoidant says, ‘I don’t need WiFi,’ and disorganised just keeps buffering
What strikes me about Feli’s story is that it speaks to how deeply early experiences of trauma shape our ability to connect. Even when we find healing, the scars remain, and the threat of loss can trigger old wounds. Yet, despite her tragic end, Feli did manage to find moments of connection, even after such a difficult start. Her life, in the end, was fuller than one might have expected given her beginnings.
Attachment styles, like WiFi, are ways in which we stay connected — or struggle to. Secure attachment is like a strong and stable connection, unwavering in its reliability. Anxious attachment, on the other hand, is always checking the connection, fearing it might drop at any moment. Avoidant attachment denies the need for connection altogether, saying, ‘I don’t need WiFi,’ while disorganised attachment struggles the most, constantly buffering and never fully stable. Feli’s story exemplifies how disorganised attachment keeps buffering, caught between a longing for connection and the fear that it might break.
Despite buffering through life, Feli managed to find those fleeting moments of stability, of connection, even amidst her disorganised attachment style.
Feli’s life may have had moments where she struggled to hold a stable connection, where her past trauma caused her to fear or even reject it. Yet she found, even in brief moments, the power of connection and healing. Though she was constantly buffering, her story reminds us that even in the most fragile states, people can still find moments of clarity and love. And as therapists, we must always be aware of our own ‘WiFi signals,’ our attachment styles, as they influence the connection we establish with our clients.
I think Stern was a precursor, as he gave Anna not just hope but also psychoeducation about attachment and the importance of timing in making a connection. He was saying something that is hard to convey these days, when people come in and say:
‘Can I have some quick therapy, please?’
‘Would it be possible to avoid talking about what the problem is?’
‘What do you want me to do to get rid of the anxiety?’
‘I told you what the problem is, now it’s up to you to fix it.’
These are real comments, I’m afraid, but there’s only a certain natural speed at which healing can progress, and it takes patience to develop a stable connection, depending on the wounds that stem from the past. So, Stern was forward-thinking in providing psychoeducation to the client, which I think was quite innovative at the time, and it’s still, in many ways, a new concept compared to our current obsession with diagnosis.
I would also add the importance of setting realistic expectations, dismantling what Heidegger called the ‘technological attitude’ — an approach rooted in ‘calculative thinking,’ where everything is framed in terms of means and ends. This calculative mindset can appear in the client, the therapist, GPs, or agencies that send referrals, driven by external pressures that have nothing to do with the client’s pace. For instance, the belief that a client must feel better within a limited number of sessions or that a client expects to be ‘fixed’ in a certain amount of time. Gosh, isn’t that exactly what evidence-based practice is encouraging? Evidence-based approaches have their place, however, they risk missing the larger, more nuanced picture of human healing, especially when they overlook the emotional, relational, and personal layers that unfold at their own pace. The implications of this ‘calculative thinking’ can be devastating (though I think this is a topic for another article).
There are clients who come spontaneously (not under obligation from family or GPs) who have nothing to say. One client in particular surprised me by spending two sessions in complete silence. I felt guilty, taking her money for what seemed like nothing, and asked if these meetings were helping her. She said they were, although she couldn’t explain exactly why. Neither could I. But then, Feli’s teaching and Stern’s approach came to me, and I understood — she was searching for connection.
What about the clients who arrive late, leave early, or stay for only 10 minutes? Of course, this is what they can tolerate, but without pressure, if they feel unjudged and free to attend even for five minutes, they learn that it’s safe to stay longer. The connection deepens, and they begin to share more, to feel better, often without knowing exactly why. This is because healing can occur on a tacit level, not just through words — while verbal expression is important, it is only one part of the larger process.
This was already understood by the genius of Dostoyevsky, as he described in The Brothers Karamazov, where [clients] ‘need to feel that they are in the room with another person, an old and trusted friend, whom they might call upon in their sick moments merely to look at their face, or perhaps exchange some quite irrelevant words with them’.

One day, as a young student, I had the privilege of translating from English to Italian during the workshop of a very renowned American professor. He was a leading expert in cognitive-behavioural therapy, a past president of the Association for Behavioral and Cognitive Therapies. He has since passed away, and I won’t reveal his name as I believe he has nothing to gain from this. At one point, a member of the audience asked him how he incorporated attachment theory into his work. We were shocked when he responded, “What’s attachment theory?” At first, we thought he was joking, and I double-checked that I had translated the question correctly. Eventually, he acknowledged recognising Bowlby’s name but admitted he knew little about the theory. As I write this, I realise the urge to write a spin-off of this article based on what I learned from spending a day with him outside of academic work.
This experience highlighted for me something that, although obvious, is sadly not universal: receiving therapy and engaging in personal work is essential for therapists. Later, I realised that many psychotherapists practice without ever becoming conscious of the role attachment plays in the therapeutic dynamic. I am concerned that many therapists have never undergone therapy themselves, and that therapy is not mandatory in their training. Surely, a conscientious therapist should take personal responsibility for their emotional well-being and strive towards a secure state of mind. A therapist should be a safe space for their clients, able to access a wide range of experiences both within themselves and in their clients.
In his book Attachment in Psychotherapy, David Wallin defines four different ways in which therapists approach the clients they treat:
The subject is undoubtedly complex, and I am mindful of both its intricacies and the risk of oversimplification. While this may not be the most conventional academic approach, I would like to begin with an example involving a dog. A dog I saw in a YouTube video (link provided below) offers, in my view, a valuable lesson in attachment theory. Despite being non-verbal, the dog’s behaviour provides profound insights, making the video a unique and insightful resource for understanding the concept of a ‘Therapist in a secure state of mind.’
Press enter or click to view image in full size

Child Dog Puddle from https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xa54Xc6AG44
The video features a child named Little Arthur, who, while strolling through the woods with his 12-year-old Shar Pei, Watson, takes a break from walking his dog to play in a puddle. Arthur treks through the puddle before deciding to head back and splash around some more. Before returning to Watson, he jumps in the puddle, runs away, explores the area, and then returns to Watson.
Arthur, symbolically representing the inner child, is having fun and exploring.
Watson remains still, does not interfere, and seems relaxed yet aware, turning his head when Arthur is far away. Watson acts as a safe base.
Little Arthur’s behaviour showcases a healthy sense of exploration and independence as he moves away from his companion, Watson, to play in the puddle. This movement reflects the characteristics of a securely attached individual, demonstrating confidence and a willingness to explore while maintaining a connection with his companion. Watson, in response, serves as a secure base, exhibiting stillness and apparent relaxation while attentively observing Arthur’s activities. The dog’s turning of his head when Arthur is at a distance reveals awareness and a protective instinct, reminiscent of caregiving behaviours associated with attachment relationships.
Importantly, Watson does not interfere with Arthur’s exploration, allowing him the freedom to play and move independently. Despite this non-interference, Watson maintains a relaxed demeanour, indicating trust and comfort in their relationship. This combination of relaxation and attentiveness aligns with the characteristics of secure attachment. While not acting as a therapist in the traditional sense, Watson’s presence offers a supportive and secure influence for little Arthur, akin to the therapeutic benefits found in the unconditional love and companionship.
The Hungarian psychoanalyst Ferenczi took this idea a step further, arguing that ‘it wasn’t only the real relationship that facilitated the process of therapy but also that the patient needs [in order to heal] to feel the love of their analyst and to be aware of the personal characteristics of their analyst’. Personally, I agree with Ferenczi in believing that therapy is about feelings, and the primary emotion is love. If the client and the therapist don’t experience love, don’t have love in their lives, or are disconnected from it, they will have understood little about themselves, life, nature, and the universe.
This is my very subjective way of saying that it is more than a ‘state of mind’; it is, in fact, a ‘state of being’. With this in mind, I ask you to forgive the reductionism of my examples. As you can see, Watson doesn’t speak, but his silence, behaviour, and attitude are far more powerful, revealing profound processes that words can only simplify. So, let’s begin:
Please be mindful that this is an imagery conversation, not representing any client, and any similarity is purely coincidental.
Client: I feel like I’m not good enough.
Therapist: Thank you for sharing that with me. I can hear that this belief feels very real for you, and it’s important that we explore it together. Can you tell me more about why you feel this way?
Client: I’ve always felt like no matter what I do, it’s never enough. I’m just not as capable as others.
Therapist: It sounds like this has been a difficult feeling for you for quite some time. I wonder if you can remember when these feelings started or if there’s anything that comes to mind about what might have influenced them?
Client: I think it probably started at school. I always felt like I had to work harder than everyone else just to keep up.
Therapist: That sounds really tough, especially at such a formative time. It makes sense that those experiences would leave a lasting impact on how you see yourself.
In this example, the secure therapist validates the client’s experience, offering a safe space to explore the deeper roots of the belief.
2. Therapist in a dismissive state of mind:
Client: I feel like I’m not good enough.
Therapist: That’s not true. You’re clearly capable. Let’s look at the facts: you’ve achieved plenty. There’s no reason to feel that way.
Client: But I still can’t shake this feeling.
Therapist: It’s just an irrational belief. We need to focus on reality. You’ve got the skills and achievements, so let’s focus on those and move past these negative thoughts.
Here, the dismissive therapist focuses solely on logic, minimising the client’s emotional experience and leaving them feeling unheard. Does it sound like CBT? No, it is just bad CBT!
3 . Therapist in a preoccupied state of mind:
Client: I feel like I’m not good enough.
Therapist (calm but inwardly worried): According to the evidence, they should be feeling better by now. Why isn’t this working? “I hear you, and we can explore that together.”
Client: I appreciate you saying that, but it doesn’t change how I feel.
Therapist (calm, but anxious internally): I need to figure this out soon. I’m even extending the time of our sessions, and they’re still not feeling better. Is it me? Am I not being a good enough therapist? “It’s okay that it’s taking time. We’ll keep working on this.” But why isn’t this helping yet? The evidence says they should be improving. What if I’m missing something crucial?
Please note the possible countertransference; the therapist is reacting emotionally to the client’s lack of progress, which may be influenced by their own unresolved issues (e.g., a need to feel competent or successful). The therapist’s internal worry about not being ‘good enough’ or failing to help could reflect their personal insecurities or past experiences, affecting how they engage with the client
Client: I just don’t know why I still feel this way.
Therapist (calm but inwardly frustrated): I’ve extended the sessions, tried every approach I know, but they still feel stuck. What if I’m not a good therapist for them? “We’ll continue working through this together, no matter how long it takes.” But what if they don’t get better? What am I doing wrong?
In this scenario, the preoccupied therapist prioritises emotional support without exploring the roots of the client’s belief, which might prevent deeper therapeutic work, might needing constant reassurance about progress, might difficulty setting boundaries or saying “no”.
4. Therapist in an unresolved state of mind:
Client: I feel like I’m not good enough.
Therapist: I’ve been there. It’s tough when you feel like you’re not enough. But you’ve got to face it head-on. That’s what I did, and it made a big difference for me. You can do the same.
Client: I don’t know if I’m ready for that.
Therapist: Trust me, you are. I’ll help you get through it. The sooner you confront it, the better. We’ll do it together.
Here, the unresolved therapist projects their own experiences onto the client, potentially pushing them towards confronting the issue prematurely, without allowing the client to explore it at their own pace.
The question of whether therapists are aware of their own attachment styles invites deep reflection. What might John Bowlby (Attachment Theory founder), Dan Siegel (Psychiatrist and attachment expert), Gabor Maté (Trauma and addiction specialist), and Carl Rogers (Founder of Person-Centred Therapy) have to say about it?
John Bowlby (Attachment Theory founder): “The therapist’s own emotional patterns can profoundly influence the course of therapy. The more aware we are of our own attachment styles, the more present and attuned we can be with our clients.”
Dan Siegel (Psychiatrist and attachment expert): “Awareness of one’s own attachment style allows therapists to avoid unconscious biases that may affect the therapeutic relationship. This awareness is a form of mindfulness in the therapeutic process.”
Gabor Maté (Trauma and addiction specialist): “In a therapeutic setting, our own unresolved attachment issues can interfere. The more we understand ourselves, the better we can help our clients discover their own truths.”
Maté talks about the impact of unresolved trauma and emotional issues on both clients and therapists, particularly focusing on attachment.
Carl Rogers (Founder of Person-Centred Therapy): “What is most personal is most universal. When we become aware of our own vulnerabilities, we open ourselves to a deeper, more authentic connection with those we serve.”
I think attachment style is like WiFi: Secure is stable, anxious is always checking the connection, avoidant says, ‘I don’t need WiFi,’ and disorganised just keeps buffering.
Meanwhile, shouldn’t the therapist wonder: “as I am the router, do I need better bandwidth for my own self-awareness?”
The biological story behind some of therapy's most popular ideas is under serious scientific fire. Here is what the debate is actually about, and what it means for therapists and clients.
Back in 2019, I was working on a question that might sound distant from neuroscience: whether integrating Dual Process Theories with Compassion Focused Therapy could give therapists a sharper framework for understanding how thinking actually works in the room with a client. Dual Process Theories propose that we think in two distinct modes, one fast and instinctive, one slow and deliberate. The question was whether bringing that insight into Compassion Focused Therapy could make us better at understanding what happens in the therapy room.
That work taught me something I keep returning to. The biological stories we tell in psychotherapy, the narratives we borrow from neuroscience and evolutionary biology to explain why people feel and behave the way they do, need to be handled with real honesty about what they can and cannot claim. A compelling story is not the same thing as a well-supported one. And in therapy, the stories we tell patients about their own minds and bodies carry weight that goes well beyond the lecture hall.
You've probably encountered polyvagal theory, even if you've never heard it called that. It's the framework behind phrases like "nervous system regulation," "ventral vagal state," and "co-regulation" that have quietly taken over the language of therapy, trauma work, yoga studios, and parenting books.
Maybe your therapist has talked about helping you find your "window of tolerance," that zone where you feel activated enough to engage but calm enough to think. Maybe you've heard that slow, deep breathing activates your "rest and digest" system. Maybe someone explained your tendency to go completely blank under pressure as your nervous system going into "freeze mode," an ancient survival response you inherited, essentially, from your reptilian ancestors.
All of that language, to a large extent, flows from polyvagal theory.
Now, in a rare and unusually blunt piece of scientific publishing, 39 internationally recognized experts, physiologists, neuroscientists, and evolutionary biologists from institutions like Oxford, Harvard, UCLA, and Mayo Clinic, have signed their names to a joint paper declaring that the biological foundations of this theory are "untenable." That's a strong word in science. It essentially means: this cannot be defended.
And Stephen Porges, the psychologist who created the theory three decades ago, has fired back, saying the critics have fundamentally misunderstood what he was ever claiming in the first place.
This isn't just a fight between academics in journals that nobody reads. It has real implications for how therapists work, what they tell their clients, and whether the biological story underpinning some of the most popular therapeutic approaches today is actually accurate.
So what does polyvagal theory actually say?
Let's start from the beginning, because this theory is often explained with a lot of technical language that can make it feel more solid and settled than it may actually be.
The vagus nerve is a long, wandering nerve. "Vagus" is Latin for wandering, which tells you something about its personality. It runs from your brainstem all the way down through your throat, heart, lungs, and gut. It's the main pathway of what's called the parasympathetic nervous system. If the sympathetic nervous system is your accelerator, the system that revs you up when you sense danger, the parasympathetic is your brake. It calms you down, helps you digest, and allows you to rest and connect with others.
Stephen Porges proposed that this nerve didn't just evolve once, fully formed. It evolved in stages, across hundreds of millions of years of vertebrate evolution, and that we humans, as mammals, carry all those evolutionary layers inside us, stacked on top of each other like geological strata. He called this polyvagal theory. "Poly" means many, referring to the idea that there isn't just one vagal system but several, each with a different evolutionary age and a different job.
In his framework, we have three layers of response, arranged in a kind of hierarchy.
The social engagement system is the newest layer, unique to mammals according to Porges. When you feel genuinely safe, not just intellectually safe but safe in your body and in your gut, this system comes online. It helps you make easy eye contact, soften your voice, listen well, and connect with the people around you. It is mediated by a specific part of the vagus nerve originating from a brainstem region called the Nucleus Ambiguus. Think of this as your "open for connection" mode. It is, in his view, what makes human social life possible.
The fight-or-flight system is older. When you sense threat, your sympathetic nervous system fires up. Heart rate increases, muscles tense, breathing shallows, attention narrows to the source of danger. You mobilize. This is the system most people are familiar with from everyday stress.
The freeze or shutdown system is the oldest of all, a last resort Porges argues was inherited from our pre-mammalian ancestors. When a situation feels utterly inescapable or life-threatening, a different part of the vagus nerve, originating from a brainstem region called the Dorsal Motor Nucleus, triggers a collapse response: dissociation, emotional numbness, going completely blank, or in extreme cases, fainting. Like a possum playing dead. This is what Porges calls "dorsal vagal shutdown," and it features heavily in how polyvagal theory explains trauma responses.
Porges also proposed a way to measure how well your social engagement system is functioning: something called respiratory sinus arrhythmia, or RSA. This is the natural rhythm by which your heart rate gently rises when you breathe in and falls when you breathe out, something that happens in every healthy person, all the time, without you noticing. Higher RSA, in his framework, signals stronger "vagal tone," meaning your nervous system is more flexible, more socially engaged, and better at regulating your emotions.
It is, taken as a whole, a beautiful and intuitive story. Your nervous system as an evolutionary layer cake. Your anxiety, your freeze responses, your difficulty connecting with others, all explained through the lens of ancient biology, and all potentially measurable through something as simple as your breathing pattern.
The critics say: the story is too beautiful. And in key places, too wrong.
The four main problems the critics identify
1. That breathing-linked heart rhythm doesn't measure what polyvagal theory says it does
RSA, that gentle rise and fall in your heart rate as you breathe, plays a starring role in polyvagal theory. Porges treats it as a direct window into vagal activity from the brain to the heart: a biological readout of your social engagement system. Measure someone's RSA, and you are measuring the health of their ventral vagal pathway.
But the 39 critics argue this claim is fundamentally mistaken. RSA is shaped by a huge range of factors that have nothing to do with how much vagal signal your brain is sending to your heart. How fast you are breathing matters enormously. How deeply. Your blood pressure. Your age. The level of carbon dioxide in your blood. Even your sympathetic nervous system, the stress accelerator, influences RSA.
Think of it this way. Imagine trying to figure out how loudly a musician is playing by measuring how much the candle on top of the piano flickers. The flame does respond to the music, because sound waves move air and air moves the flame. But it also responds to the air conditioning, people walking past, and whether someone left a window open. You cannot confidently say "the flame flickered a lot, therefore the musician played loudly." Too many other things are going on.
RSA is like that candle. It tells you something, but it is a much noisier and more indirect signal than polyvagal theory assumes. And you cannot build a reliable theory of psychological states on a measurement that unreliable.
2. The brain regions don't behave the way polyvagal theory describes
Here is where the neuroscience gets particularly direct. Polyvagal theory draws a sharp, meaningful line between two brainstem regions. The Nucleus Ambiguus is linked to social safety and healthy heart regulation. The Dorsal Motor Nucleus is linked to primitive shutdown and freeze. In polyvagal theory's story, one region is the hero and one is the villain. The problem is that the evidence doesn't cast them that way.
Across dozens of studies in rats, cats, dogs, sheep, and other mammals, it is consistently the Nucleus Ambiguus, not the Dorsal Motor Nucleus, that drives heart rate changes, both small and large. The Dorsal Motor Nucleus, in most mammals, has a surprisingly modest effect on the heart.
In one recent experiment using optogenetics, a precise technique where scientists use light to switch specific neurons on and off like flicking individual switches in a fuse box rather than cutting power to the whole building, strong stimulation of the Dorsal Motor Nucleus in rats produced no significant change in heart rate at all. Another study in mice found some heart slowing from that region's stimulation, but also found this actually reduced anxiety-like behavior. That is the exact opposite of what polyvagal theory would predict.
And what about "dorsal vagal shutdown," the collapse response that polyvagal theory says explains dissociation and freeze in trauma survivors? The critics reviewed the human evidence and found that emotional freezing and dissociation in people with PTSD do not typically produce the massive heart slowing the theory describes. Studies measuring heart rate during actual freeze and dissociative episodes find either no change, or very small decreases. The dramatic vagal shutdown, in humans, appears not to be happening the way the theory says it should.
3. The evolutionary story about nerve fibers doesn't hold up
One of polyvagal theory's central claims is evolutionary: that mammals developed a special kind of faster nerve fiber called myelinated fibers. They are called myelinated because they are wrapped in a fatty sheath called myelin that speeds up signal transmission, the way rubber insulation on a wire prevents signal loss. Polyvagal theory argues this biological innovation gave mammals the capacity for rapid, flexible social engagement. Reptiles and other non-mammals, the theory says, lack these fibers, which is why their autonomic responses are slower, cruder, and less socially oriented.
The critics document, drawing on nearly five decades of comparative research across species, that this is simply not true. Myelinated cardiac vagal fibers have been found in fish, amphibians, reptiles, and birds. The catshark, a primitive fish that doesn't even have sympathetic innervation of the heart, actually shows some of the most tightly synchronized heart-rate-to-breathing coordination ever recorded in any vertebrate, including mammals. These faster fibers, and the rapid responses they enable, are ancient. They did not appear with mammals, and they are not what makes us socially capable.
4. Reptiles are considerably more social than polyvagal theory implies
This may be the most surprising part of the critique for anyone outside behavioral biology. Polyvagal theory essentially portrays reptiles as socially limited creatures, primarily defensive, reactive, and incapable of the kind of flexible, nuanced social behavior that mammals show, because they lack the mammalian vagal upgrade.
Several of the 39 authors have spent their careers studying exactly this question, and they strongly disagree. Depending on the species, reptiles show long-term pair bonding, extended parental care, communal nesting, cooperative hunting, social learning, and what appears to be genuine social stress buffering, meaning the ability to calm down in the presence of a familiar companion. Some crocodilians show behaviors that careful observers describe as resembling play.
And then there are insects. Bees, ants, and termites have no vagus nerve whatsoever, yet build some of the most elaborate social structures on Earth. Whatever the vagus nerve contributes to social life, it is clearly not the prerequisite for sociality that polyvagal theory implies.
What Porges says in his defense
Porges's published response is sharp and raises a genuinely interesting point. His main argument: the critics have carefully dismantled a version of his theory that is not actually his theory.
Polyvagal theory, he says, was never meant to be a precise, millimeter-by-millimeter map of which brainstem region controls which behavior. It is a systems-level framework, a way of thinking about how different autonomic states shape psychological experience and social behavior, not a literal wiring diagram of neural circuits. By demanding that kind of hard mechanistic precision from what is fundamentally an organizing framework, the critics are applying the wrong measuring stick and then declaring the theory wrong for failing a test it was never designed to pass.
He also argues that RSA was never claimed to be a perfect direct measure of vagal outflow, only a useful indicator within certain contexts, and that critics have been recycling the same objections for two decades without properly engaging with his responses to them.
This is a reasonable point up to a limit. Many valuable frameworks in psychology are not meant as literal mechanistic descriptions. They are useful maps, organizing metaphors that help clinicians and researchers think more clearly, even if the map is not identical to the territory it describes.
The harder question is: how far can you stretch that defense before the framework stops making any testable predictions at all? A theory that cannot be shown to be wrong about anything specific is not really a scientific theory. It is a story. And stories, however useful in the clinic, need to be clearly labeled as such.
What this means if you are a therapist or a client
Let's be clear about what this debate does and does not mean in practice, because it is easy to overcorrect in either direction.
It does not mean that:
All of those ideas have their own foundations in attachment research, developmental psychology, trauma studies, and decades of clinical experience. They stand independently of whether the vagus nerve biology is correct. They were true before polyvagal theory, and they remain true regardless of this debate.
What the debate does challenge is the specific biological story used to explain why those things work. When a therapist tells a client "your dorsal vagus is shutting you down right now" or "we're building your vagal tone," they are using a framework whose accuracy is now seriously in question.
Why does that matter? Because the explanatory stories we tell in therapy are not neutral. They shape how clients understand themselves and their bodies. A client who believes their dissociation is caused by an ancient reptilian shutdown system firing in their brainstem may relate to their experience very differently, and make very different meaning of it, than a client who understands the same experience as a learned protective response shaped by their personal history. Those are not equivalent framings, and the difference can matter clinically in ways that are hard to see in the moment.
The critics make this point plainly: presenting an inaccurate account of neurophysiology as settled scientific fact to healthcare providers, patients, and families may be harmful. Not because the therapies built on it are necessarily harmful, but because false certainty about mechanisms can distort both treatment decisions and self-understanding in ways that are difficult to detect and correct.
The bigger picture, and why this feels personal
This is where I want to return to my own work, not to position myself in the debate, but because I think it illuminates something important about the broader challenge facing psychotherapy.
When I explored whether integrating Dual Process Theories with Compassion Focused Therapy could sharpen our understanding of how thinking works in the therapy room, one of the central tensions I kept encountering was exactly this: how do we borrow usefully from neuroscience and evolutionary biology without overclaiming? How do we let scientific frameworks genuinely inform clinical thinking without letting a particular biological story become so load-bearing for the whole therapeutic structure that it can no longer be questioned or revised?
Polyvagal theory may be, in this sense, a cautionary example of what happens when a compelling biological narrative becomes so deeply embedded in a clinical framework that the two can no longer be separated, even when the biology starts to crack under scrutiny. The framework becomes the identity. And at that point, challenging the science feels, to its advocates, like an attack on the therapy itself. That is a dangerous place for any field to be.
The psychological insights that polyvagal theory brought into mainstream therapy are real and valuable: the centrality of felt safety in healing, the role of the body in emotional regulation, the importance of the therapeutic relationship as a genuinely co-regulating force. Those ideas deserve to survive this debate. But they deserve better and more honest scientific grounding than polyvagal theory's particular version of vagal neuroscience currently provides.
Science is supposed to work like this. A theory makes specific claims. Specialists examine those claims against the evidence. Disagreements get published. The field updates. What makes this episode unusual is the scale. Thirty-nine experts co-signing a single critique is remarkable in any field, and the bluntness of the conclusion is equally striking. "Untenable" is not a word scientists reach for lightly.
Porges has spent three decades genuinely changing how therapists think about the body and about safety. That contribution is real and should not be dismissed. But the field of psychotherapy, which has sometimes embraced polyvagal theory with considerably more certainty than the evidence warranted, would do well to sit with this debate seriously. And to remember that good therapy can rest on good psychology, even when the neuroscience turns out to be more complicated, and more contested, than the story we were told.
The critique "Why the Polyvagal Theory Is Untenable" was published in Clinical Neuropsychiatry (February 2026), co-authored by Paul Grossman and 38 colleagues. Porges's response, "When a Critique Becomes Untenable," appeared in the same issue.
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