Photo by Neil Thomas on Unsplash
Recently I participated in an interesting conversation with Professor Giancarlo Dimaggio, an MD, psychiatrist, and psychotherapist, and Dr Natanael Lamispramis (his professional name), a clinical psychologist.. We explored the nuanced roles of invalidation, trauma, and emotional growth, focusing on how these experiences shape our emotional development and the critical role validation plays in fostering healthy relationships. As the conversation developed, it became clear that understanding the distinctions between adverse experiences and trauma is essential in both therapy and life.
The Role of Invalidation: Painful but Not Always Traumatic
The discussion began with Prof Dimaggio sharing his perspective on invalidation, an experience that many of us encounter, often without fully realising its impact. He said: “Invalidation is painful. Invalidation is not traumatic. Invalidation can be part of a real trauma if you are a parent or a figure with authority, who listens to a real traumatic event and reacts: ‘Naaaaah, come on’ or ‘Are you sure it did happen?’ In other cases, invalidation is part of our everyday life, just painful in various degrees.”
To illustrate this, imagine a child coming home upset after being teased at school. If the parent responds with “You’re making a big deal out of nothing” or “You’ll forget about it tomorrow,” the child’s emotional response is dismissed. While this invalidation may not be traumatic in the clinical sense, it is still painful and reinforces the idea that their feelings don’t matter. However, if a child shares a more serious experience, such as bullying, and the parent responds in the same dismissive way, this invalidation can compound the child’s emotional trauma.
Prof Dimaggio highlighted that invalidation can be painful but doesn’t always equate to trauma. However, when it occurs in relationships of power or involves a truly traumatic experience, invalidation can amplify the emotional damage. This raises a key question: Is it the intensity of the invalidation or the context in which it happens that determines whether it becomes traumatic?
Chronic Invalidation: A Path to Disconnection
In response, I shared my thoughts on the effects of chronic invalidation, especially during childhood. While I agreed with Prof Dimaggio that invalidation is not always traumatic, I highlighted how repeated invalidation over time can lead to lasting emotional consequences. I explained: “Invalidation may not always be ‘traumatic’ in the clinical sense, but chronic invalidation, especially during formative years, can have a lasting impact on one’s sense of self, security, and worth. As a result, we often see in our clients that this can lead to feelings of disconnection from ourselves or others.”
For example, consider a child who frequently hears comments like “You’re being dramatic” or “Why do you always overreact?” in response to their emotional expressions. Over time, these messages subtly teach the child that their feelings are “too much” or “wrong.” This chronic invalidation can foster a sense of disconnection from their authentic self, leading to challenges in forming secure and healthy relationships later in life.
This leads us to ask: Can repeated, subtle invalidation over time create emotional wounds that mimic trauma? In my experience, chronic invalidation, even when unintended, can leave deep scars. Clients often carry the belief that their emotions are inappropriate or excessive, making it difficult for them to connect authentically with others and with themselves.
Trauma: A Broader Definition
I then expanded on my understanding of trauma, which I see as more than just a reaction to catastrophic events. I explained: “It’s important to clarify what I mean by ‘trauma.’ I see it not just as an extreme event, but as any experience that disconnects us from our authentic selves. Trauma isn’t limited to catastrophic events; it can also arise from more subtle, adverse, or negative experiences, especially in childhood, that affect our sense of safety, self-worth, or emotional regulation.”
For instance, a child who is constantly told, “You’ll never be good enough,” might not experience a dramatic, singular trauma, but over time, these negative messages can become traumatic, deeply affecting the child’s self-esteem and sense of worth. This slow, subtle invalidation disconnects the child from their authentic self, leading to a distorted sense of identity.
This broader definition raises a critical question: Can ongoing invalidation be just as damaging as a one-time traumatic event? From my perspective, trauma is less about the intensity of an event and more about the disconnection it creates within a person. Whether through a single intense event or persistent invalidation, the result can be the same — a fractured connection to one’s true self.
Are All Adverse Experiences Traumatic?
Prof Dimaggio responded by acknowledging the negative impact of invalidation but maintained a narrower definition of trauma: “Absolutely agree! I just don’t call them traumatic; they are adverse, negative, and are the ground on which maladaptive interpersonal schemas in adulthood develop.”
Imagine a person who received critical feedback from teachers throughout their school years. While these adverse experiences may shape how they view themselves and their relationships with authority, they don’t necessarily amount to trauma. Instead, these experiences create maladaptive patterns, such as avoiding situations where they might be criticised or becoming overly sensitive to feedback.
Prof Dimaggio’s stance raises an important question: How do we differentiate between adverse experiences that shape us and those that truly cause trauma?
The Importance of Validation in Emotional Connection
Dr Lamispramis then brought a philosophical perspective to the conversation, sharing a quote from Martin Buber that highlighted the essential role of validation in human connection. He said: “In human society, on all its levels, people confirm each other in a practical way, to this or that extent, in their personal qualities and capacities… The wish of every man is to be confirmed as what he is, even as what he can become, by other men.”
Imagine a teenager expressing anxiety over an upcoming exam, and their parent responds with “I understand, exams can be really stressful. I’m here for you.” This validation helps the child feel seen and understood. Dr Lamispramis’ point raises the question: How essential is validation in shaping our sense of self, and what happens when it is absent?
According to Buber, without the confirmation of others, we risk losing a fundamental part of our humanity. Validation is not just about recognising someone’s feelings — it’s about helping them feel secure in who they are and what they can become.
Differentiating What We Can and Cannot Validate
Dr Lamispramis added an important nuance by explaining that, while validation is essential, we must also understand what we can and cannot validate in others. He said: “It is important to differentiate between what we can validate in others and what we are not supposed to validate. Recognising and accepting a person’s emotional experience helps us understand, but we do not have to validate perceptions or reactions to perceptions, the secondary emotions (the reactive ones according to EFT). We may not validate, but we do not need to invalidate.”
For example, if someone responds to frustration at work by lashing out in anger, we can validate their underlying emotion — “I see you’re really frustrated, and that makes sense given the situation” — without validating their reactive behaviour. This distinction raises an important question: How can we validate someone’s emotional experience without reinforcing harmful behaviours or distorted perceptions?
Validation, in this context, is about acknowledging the core emotional experience without reinforcing secondary reactions like anger or defensiveness. It allows for empathy while maintaining boundaries that promote emotional growth.
Conclusion: Validation, Pain, and Growth
The conversation between Prof Dimaggio, Dr Lamispramis, and myself highlighted the complexity of invalidation, trauma, and validation. While invalidation may not always be traumatic, chronic invalidation — especially during formative years — can have lasting effects on emotional well-being. Understanding the subjective nature of trauma and learning how to validate core emotional experiences without reinforcing unhelpful reactions is essential to fostering healing and connection.
As part of the conversation, we also touched upon the idea that “pain is part of flourishing.” When we validate deeper emotional truths without feeding into reactive patterns, we create space for self-awareness, growth, and meaningful connection. Striking a balance between validating what is essential and holding boundaries around harmful perceptions allows both ourselves and others to flourish with empathy and authenticity.