Client (C): Do you know any psychiatrist in London?
Therapist (T): Yes, I do.
C: Could you tell me their name?
T: It seems to me that when you really want something, you’re quite capable of finding it yourself.
C: Thank you. That’s what I do — I tend to manipulate people, and they do things for me.

Thanks to this insightful, psychologically minded client who has graciously given me permission to share this exchange for the purpose of reflection and learning

I must confess, I didn’t expect that “thank you” to follow. Moments like these remind us that helping others often requires more than good intentions. We all want the best for those we care about. Whether it’s a friend going through a tough time or a family member struggling with life’s burdens, the instinct is to step in, to provide relief, to make things easier.

But here’s the paradox: there’s a fine line between compassion and enabling. Both stem from a place of care, yet their outcomes diverge dramatically. In trying to help, we sometimes weaken the very people we aim to support, diminishing our compassion’s true power.

Compassion, at its core, goes beyond empathy. It’s about understanding someone’s pain and having the desire to alleviate it. It involves being present, validating their experiences, and offering support while also creating the conditions for growth. It’s about creating a space where someone feels supported in their journey without losing sight of their responsibility to face their own challenges. Compassion is active listening, asking if they need help, and holding firm boundaries even when it’s difficult — all while encouraging the other person to take ownership of their path.

On the other hand, enabling often looks like compassion but is driven by a different motive. While compassion is based on love and respect, enabling is often rooted in fear — fear of conflict, of being disliked, or of seeing the other person struggle. Enabling is when we justify someone’s behaviour, take on their responsibilities, or allow them to violate our boundaries to avoid confrontation. It’s about trying to fix things for them rather than encouraging them to take accountability for their actions.

In both compassion and enabling, there’s a deep desire to help someone feel better, but the way we go about it makes all the difference.

The Blind Spots: Helping Others See

One of the most significant differences between compassion and enabling lies in how we deal with the blind spots in others’ lives. We all have blind spots — those areas where we are unaware of behaviours or patterns that hinder our growth.

Compassion doesn’t mean shielding someone from these blind spots. In fact, true compassion involves gently guiding others to see what they might be missing. It’s not about criticising or calling out their flaws; rather, it’s about collecting the patterns in their story and, like a jigsaw, showing them how the pieces fit together. It’s about saying, “Look, this is happening, and this is where you’re headed.”

When we enable, however, we prevent people from seeing their blind spots by taking on their challenges for them. We step in too quickly, trying to solve their problems or provide a quick fix, which prevents them from reflecting and growing. Let’s take cognitive biases as an example. Cognitive biases are mental shortcuts that often skew our perception, much like viewing the world through dirty lenses or, at times, no lenses at all. In a way, a good therapist or friend is like an optician — helping you find the right “prescription” for clearer thinking. A compassionate approach helps individuals break through these biases, offering them fresh perspectives and insights.

For example, let’s say a client in therapy continually blames others for their struggles. Compassion in therapy means holding up a mirror at the right moment, presenting them with patterns they may not want to see but need to work through. It’s about creating a moment of realisation, not to criticise, but to empower them with the awareness to change.

Helping others see their blind spots is one of the most powerful ways we can support them. It means asking thoughtful questions, making gentle observations, and encouraging them to think deeply about their actions — sometimes pointing out things they don’t want to hear. By allowing them the room to reflect, we help them gain clarity. They become more aware of what might be holding them back, without feeling attacked or judged.

Compassion, in this sense, becomes more than just emotional support. It becomes a tool for growth and transformation. We empower others to confront their challenges, not by doing the work for them, but by guiding them to find the answers within themselves.

Boundaries: The Unsung Heroes of Compassion

An often overlooked aspect of compassion is the importance of boundaries. Compassion doesn’t mean allowing others to walk all over us. On the contrary, setting and maintaining boundaries is an essential part of showing respect — both for ourselves and for the other person.

When we hold firm boundaries, we communicate that we trust the other person to handle their own issues. This doesn’t mean abandoning them but instead offering support in a way that encourages them to take responsibility for their own journey. Boundaries protect us from falling into the trap of enabling, where we might feel obliged to step in and take control of situations that aren’t ours to fix.

One critical boundary in therapy is time. It might feel like stretching a session beyond 60 minutes is helping, but in reality, it can have the opposite effect. By maintaining the agreed-upon time boundary, we teach clients to be mindful of their progress and to use their time wisely. In the long run, this not only helps them develop resilience and problem-solving skills that extend beyond the therapy room, but also encourages them to set and maintain healthy boundaries in their own lives.

The Danger of Enabling

Enabling, while often well-intentioned, can keep people stuck in unhealthy patterns. When we enable someone, we may think we’re helping them, but in reality, we’re shielding them from the consequences of their actions. We’re not giving them the space to grow, reflect, or make changes in their lives.

For example, if we constantly step in to fix things for someone — whether it’s financially, emotionally, or otherwise — we rob them of the opportunity to learn and take responsibility. Over time, this can foster dependence and prevent them from developing the skills they need to manage on their own.

Enabling also takes a toll on us. By constantly stepping in, we drain our own energy and resources, which can lead to burnout and resentment. Instead of fostering a healthy, mutually supportive relationship, enabling creates an imbalanced dynamic where one person is always the fixer and the other is always in need.

Shifting from Enabling to Empowering

Compassion, when practised with boundaries and self-awareness, is about empowerment. It’s about standing with someone, not for them. It’s about validating their experience without trying to take over. It’s about asking, “How can I support you?” rather than assuming we know what’s best for them.

By making this shift, we help others become more self-reliant and resilient. We teach them that they are capable of handling their own challenges and that we believe in their ability to grow. This is the true essence of compassion — offering unwavering support while creating the conditions for growth and independence.

So, I believe the question this article asks is: how can we truly support someone’s growth without taking away their ability to find their own strength?