This article is just a thought experiment, not to be taken too seriously. It draws on religious texts combined with my personal interpretation, rather than clinical evidence. While I don’t adhere to any specific religious beliefs, my aim is to help readers understand themselves in simple terms. I love simplicity and have always aimed to explain attachment theory in the easiest way possible, often using examples from animals and creating a Wi-Fi analogy. For instance, in my piece ‘What Feli the Goose Taught Me About Healing: A Lesson in Trauma and Attachment with Daniel Stern, #4’. I explored these concepts through relatable stories and analogies to make them more accessible. However, I’m grateful to a reader who pointed out the need for a bit more information about the four attachment styles. With that in mind, I recognise that not everyone is familiar with them, so I’ll clarify the attachment styles here before discussing Jesus’ attachment style.
Our early childhood relationships with our parents shape how we connect with others throughout our lives. Attachment theory identifies four main patterns: secure, dismissing, preoccupied, and fearful.
- Secure Attachment: Those with secure attachment experienced consistent love and support from their parents. For example, their parents may have made time for them despite busy schedules, listened to their concerns, and provided emotional warmth. As a result, they tend to feel secure in relationships, seek support when needed, and handle social challenges with confidence.
- Dismissing Attachment: Individuals with dismissing attachment often had emotionally unavailable parents. This might have been because their parents worked long hours or were preoccupied with their own struggles, leaving little time or energy to provide emotional support. As adults, these individuals may expect little from relationships, tend to be emotionally distant, and disengage easily when things become too emotionally intense.
- Preoccupied Attachment: Those with preoccupied attachment are often anxious in relationships, constantly seeking reassurance. Their parents may have been inconsistent in their availability — sometimes attentive, other times distracted or overwhelmed — leading to uncertainty. As adults, they struggle to trust others fully and may fear that their needs won’t be met, often seeking reassurance but still feeling unsettled.
- Fearful Attachment: Individuals with fearful attachment experienced chaotic early relationships. Their parents may have been dealing with their own trauma or mental health issues, sometimes reacting with fear or aggression. As a result, these individuals often exhibit a mix of avoidance and anxiety in adult relationships, seeking reassurance but quickly shutting down out of fear of being hurt.
Attachment styles aren’t fixed. People don’t always fit neatly into one type, and styles can shift with experiences and growth.
We are our brain
Attachment isn’t just psychological; it’s also biological. For instance, oxytocin, a hormone linked to bonding, plays a role in forming secure attachments. Early experiences shape our brains, influencing emotional regulation and social engagement. Secure attachment builds neural pathways that help with emotional control, while insecure attachment can make us more vulnerable to stress.
Our attachment patterns also affect how we behave automatically in relationships, often outside our conscious awareness. Securely attached individuals are comfortable seeking support, while insecurely attached people may struggle with trust and closeness.
If you read my previous article about Feli the goose, you might remember that attachment takes time to change. While change is possible, it’s crucial to have some understanding of our attachment style, especially in romantic relationships. Knowing this helps us communicate better with our partners. For instance, someone with a dismissing attachment style might say, ‘I need to go now; I’m not rejecting you. I just need more space.’ Or someone with a fearful attachment style might express, ‘I fear intimacy, but I’m working on it by gradually opening up, sharing my feelings, and learning to trust that my partner won’t abandon me’. I think it would be great if the person could have the humility to say, ‘I’m sorry, darling, if I’m still unable to do it, and thank you for your patience with me.’ Surely, identifying and effectively communicating our attachment needs can contribute to the development of healthier, more resilient relationships, don’t you think?
With this in mind, I wonder if Jesus might have exhibited qualities of a secure attachment style.
Here’s why
1. Strong Relationships and Trust:
Jesus demonstrated a deep sense of trust in his relationship with God, referring to God as “Abba”. “Abba” is an Aramaic term that translates to “father” or “dad,” but it carries a much deeper, more intimate meaning. It conveys a sense of closeness, trust, and affection, much like how a child might call their parent “daddy” or “papa.” This term conveys intimacy and trust, hallmarks of secure attachment.
His close relationships with his disciples, despite their flaws and imperfections, also indicate a strong ability to form deep, meaningful connections without fear of abandonment.
2. Emotional Regulation:
Jesus displayed strong emotional regulation. For instance, in moments of great stress, such as the night before his crucifixion, he expressed his anxiety and distress but still maintained composure and a sense of purpose.
For example, Jesus openly expressed His profound anxiety and distress, saying, “My soul is overwhelmed with sorrow to the point of death” (Matthew 26:38, NIV). Yet, He maintained His composure and sense of purpose, praying, “Not my will, but Yours be done” (Luke 22:42, NIV). Even in this vulnerable state, He managed to regulate His emotions. This kind of surrender was not passive; it was a conscious and courageous decision to trust in a higher purpose. His prayer, “Not my will, but Yours be done,” exemplifies the ultimate surrender of personal control.
Securely attached individuals are able to manage difficult emotions while maintaining their connections with others, which aligns with his capacity for empathy, care, and emotional resilience.
3. Compassion and Boundaries:
Jesus was highly compassionate toward others, showing love and understanding, but he also set boundaries when necessary (e.g., cleansing the temple or confronting hypocritical religious leaders). This balance between empathy and maintaining boundaries is characteristic of someone with secure attachment. For example, in cleansing the temple (Matthew 21:12–13), Jesus demonstrated righteous anger by driving out the money changers who were exploiting the temple for personal gain. This act was a clear boundary, reinforcing that the temple was to be respected as a house of prayer, not a marketplace.
For many of us, this remains a learning curve: being kind and patient with our loved ones, especially when they are struggling, while also asserting our needs, setting limits when necessary, and expressing frustration or anger in a healthy manner. This echoes Aristotle’s famous quote:
‘Anyone can become angry — that is easy. But to be angry with the right person, to the right degree, at the right time, for the right purpose, and in the right way — that is not easy’.
4. Acceptance of Vulnerability:
Jesus was open about his emotions and vulnerabilities (e.g., expressing sorrow or disappointment, such as when his disciples fell asleep in the Garden of Gethsemane).
For those who don’t know, the account of Jesus in the Garden of Gethsemane is found in the New Testament of the Bible, specifically in the Gospels of Matthew, Mark, and Luke. In the Garden of Gethsemane, just before his arrest, Jesus experienced deep emotional turmoil. He brought three of his closest disciples — Peter, James, and John — asking them to stay awake and pray with him. As he prayed to God, overwhelmed with sorrow and distress, he expressed his desire for the suffering ahead to be taken from him but ultimately submitted to God’s will. When he returned to his disciples, he found them asleep, which led to feelings of disappointment. He asked them, “Could you not keep watch with me for one hour?” This moment reveals Jesus’ vulnerability, as he expressed his need for support and companionship during a time of great emotional struggle
Sorry for digressing, but I think Jesus’ experience in the Garden of Gethsemane also reminds us that even when our deepest needs for connection aren’t fulfilled, there can be strength in vulnerability. It highlights the importance of self-awareness and compassion, not just towards others but towards ourselves in moments of pain and loneliness.
This is a reminder that even the strongest among us, even those with a secure attachment, can have moments of deep sorrow and a need for support that may not always be met.
Anyway, back to the point: secure attachment involves a willingness to be vulnerable in relationships while trusting that others will respond with care and understanding
5. Forgiveness and Trust in Relationships:
Despite being betrayed by Judas and denied by Peter, Jesus responded with forgiveness and love, which points to a deep sense of trust and an understanding of human frailty. Securely attached individuals are generally more forgiving because they do not see others’ actions as personal rejections of their own worth.
Conclusion:
Based on these attributes, Jesus might be interpreted as someone who had a secure attachment style, characterised by trust, empathy, emotional regulation, and strong, healthy relationships. He showed a profound sense of love and understanding toward others, while maintaining a strong, trusting bond with God.
Could his example of secure attachment invite us to consider how we respond to others when we feel hurt or abandoned, and what it means to truly trust, even in the face of uncertainty?